My Oscar Predictions

Right now I am in Miami getting ready to board a boat. A ship, actually. The Rock Boat to be specific. But that won’t stop me from sharing with you my predictions for this year’s Academy Award winners.

It’s always tough, come Oscar season, to pick the winners of the golden, bald dude statuette – especially if you haven’t seen 90% of the nominated films. But as any good hack prognosticator would tell you, facts just get in the way of blow-hard, uneducated opinions. So with that I present for your musing, this year’s batch of Oscar winners.

BTW … am I the only one that hates the Best Movie category was expanded to include a zillion movies? Seriously. Who has time to watch all those flicks?

I was a bit confused to see Argo nominated again. I thought it won a couple of Oscars in 1996, but …. what? ….. I’m thinking of Fargo? Oh …. nevermind. Besides, can Ben Affleck win if Matt Damon isn’t part of the project? I didn’t think so.

It is refreshing to see a tough-as-nails action film nominated for Best Picture. What now? … It’s not called Armour? It’s not about a bad-ass cop robot with an impenetrable suit of space-age alloy? ….. Darnit! So apparently it’s called Amour and it’s a French love story about old people … and I am NOT one of the six people who saw it.

Beasts of the Southern Wild is apparently NOT about heavy-set college girls at Ole Miss, and Les Misérables is about … wait. How many French films are we going to allow in this category exactly?

Given that Life is finite and Pi is an infinite number, the oxymoronic logic that is Life of Pi confuses me.

I’d like to say Zero Dark Thirty will win simply because any film that uses scenes of dudes with machine guns and night vision will always get my vote, but it was a bit of a snoozer.

I like Bradley Cooper and I like Jennifer Lawrence, but for some reason I don’t like them together. Kinda’ like coffee and Popsicles.

So it comes down to Django and the man who set him free. Historical bio pics are always good bets for Oscar nods, and it seems like Hollywood has something against the genius of Tarantino. But I’m going with Lincoln simply because any movie that features Jonah Hill, no matter how good it is, should never win an Oscar (see Moneyball).

As for the other winners:

Best Director: Steven Spielberg. By now, you have to think other directors just cringe when they hear Spielberg is releasing a film. “Damn … there goes my chance to win this year.”

Best Actor: Daniel Day Lewis, because as Honest Abe once said, “If you cut off my left foot, there will be blood.”

Best Actress: Quvenzhané Wallis. I will turn off the schtick for a second and say Quvenzhané was simply electrifying in ‘Beasts of the Southern Wild.’ The fact she was able to take charge of every scene and command your attention as an unknown and untrained actress merits her the award.

<resume schtick>

Best Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz. The dude’s bad-ass. What more do you need to know?

Best Supporting Actress: Helen Hunt, because we FINALLY got to see Jamie Buchman’s lady bits.

Best Animated Film: Wreck It Ralph. Any movie about video games gets my roll of quarters.

Best Original Screenplay: Moonrise Kingdom. Is it me or does the name Roman Coppola sound a little redundant?

Best Adapted Screenplay: Silver Linings Playbook. I totally threw a dart for this one. #noclue

Best Cinematography: Life of Pi. It’s a dude, a boat, and a tiger. All that’s left is the cinematography.

And with that I am off to listen to Sister Hazel as I consume my 4th bucket of beer and my 15th piece of Rock Boat pizza. See you all in a week!

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