At 33 years of age, I know I know better. Tomorrow is a busy day. Mass in the morning, Dolphins game at 1:00, snoozey-poozey during halftime, Youth Group at 6:00. Nevertheless, it 2:30 in the morning and I am typing away. And now I have a Matchbox 20 song stuck in my head. “..I must be lonely”
What is it about pensiveness that brings on insomnia? The hamster in my head is about to have a heart attack because that wheel is just fly’n round and round and round. The sad thing is, I don’t even know what I’m thinking about.
Is it my kids? No. I saw them this morning and I will see them again in ….. shit …… seven and a half hours. Is it my job? Not really. Although things are picking up at work, it’s still the same ‘ol, same ‘ol. Is it this poker run I am organizing? Maybe. But although I want it to be a success, it’s not a matter of life or death. My biggest concern right now is whether or not I will get around to changing the oil in my bike before the event.
I have always maintained that God has blessed me over and over, and I have nothing about which to complain. I have two wonderful, beautiful, and healthy children. I have a career that allows me to pay the bills and then some. I have friends and family that provide a support structure that cannot be described with words. And I have a woman who loves me for all that I am and for everything that I do.
Yet here I am. Click, click, click go the keys. Tick, tick, tick goes the clock. Turn, turn, turn goes the wheel in my head ………. and I still don’t have a frigg’n idea as to why.
But maybe I do have an idea. Maybe it’s something I don’t want to admit or think about, yet I know it’s there. Maybe I am allowing myself to mill and ponder, to examine more closely and over-analyze. Maybe this is one of those mental burdens that will go away only when challenged and not because it’s ignored. Maybe I should stop right here before I put my proverbial foot in my mouth.
But ‘Maybe’ is the easy answer. It’s a cop-out. It’s defying gravity as you teeter on a fence. I’ve written before about the virtues of no regrets and the perils of “what if’s”. I’ve let my blog be a sermon about living life to the fullest. These pages have been my bully pulpit against those caught in a sense of reluctance, wonder and self-doubt. I’ve raged against those who cower in fear and allow fear to run their lives and ruin the lives of others. Maybe, just maybe, I’ve become my own audience.
I know tomorrow is another day. New experiences, new lessons learned, new moments of epiphany. Tomorrow means not only new thoughts but a new hamster altogether. But for now, all I can do is think.