The Wheels in My Head go Round and Round

At 33 years of age, I know I know better.  Tomorrow is a busy day.  Mass in the morning, Dolphins game at 1:00, snoozey-poozey during halftime, Youth Group at 6:00.  Nevertheless, it 2:30 in the morning and I am typing away.  And now I have a Matchbox 20 song stuck in my head. “..I must be lonely”

What is it about pensiveness that brings on insomnia?  The hamster in my head is about to have a heart attack because that wheel is just fly’n round and round and round.  The sad thing is, I don’t even know what I’m thinking about.

Is it my kids?  No.  I saw them this morning and I will see them again in ….. shit …… seven and a half hours.  Is it my job?  Not really.  Although things are picking up at work, it’s still the same ‘ol, same ‘ol.  Is it this poker run I am organizing?  Maybe.  But although I want it to be a success, it’s not a matter of life or death.  My biggest concern right now is whether or not I will get around to changing the oil in my bike before the event.

I have always maintained that God has blessed me over and over, and I have nothing about which to complain.  I have two wonderful, beautiful, and healthy children.  I have a career that allows me to pay the bills and then some.  I have friends and family that provide a support structure that cannot be described with words.  And I have a woman who loves me for all that I am and for everything that I do.

Yet here I am. Click, click, click go the keys. Tick, tick, tick goes the clock.  Turn, turn, turn goes the wheel in my head ………. and I still don’t have a frigg’n idea as to why.

But maybe I do have an idea.  Maybe it’s something I don’t want to admit or think about, yet I know it’s there.  Maybe I am allowing myself to mill and ponder, to examine more closely and over-analyze.  Maybe this is one of those mental burdens that will go away only when challenged and not because it’s ignored.  Maybe I should stop right here before I put my proverbial foot in my mouth.

But ‘Maybe’ is the easy answer.  It’s a cop-out.  It’s defying gravity as you teeter on a fence. I’ve written before about the virtues of no regrets and the perils of “what if’s”.  I’ve let my blog be a sermon about living life to the fullest.  These pages have been my bully pulpit against those caught in a sense of reluctance, wonder and self-doubt.  I’ve raged against those who cower in fear and allow fear to run their lives and ruin the lives of others.  Maybe, just maybe, I’ve become my own audience.

I know tomorrow is another day.  New experiences, new lessons learned, new moments of epiphany.  Tomorrow means not only new thoughts but a new hamster altogether.  But for now, all I can do is think.


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