Which Road to Take

Kelly Clarkson is a cutie. Plane and simple, she makes my list of celebrity fantasies. And for the record, ALL guys have a list of celebrity fantasies, and Jessica Alba is currently at the top of mine. In addition to being so adorable, Kelly is not half-bad either as a singer. She is, after all, the first American Idol winner, and her second album, Breakaway, has sold over 4.5 million copies in the US.*

Speaking of Breakaway, I will go out on a limb and say she wrote that album after a really bad break up. Sure, I could go out to fan sites or newsgroups and find out the true inspiration behind the album, but all you really have to do is listen to each track. I mean, Jeeeeeez! The album name itself just screams “I am using this to get over you. Oh, and make lots and lots of money!” Don’t get me wrong. I am not knocking using a device to help you get over a tough situation. Music, painting, knitting, running and even, ahem, writing. Many of the world’s most beautiful creations have been spawned as a result of pain and suffering.

So what’s my point you ask? My point is that there is a decision to be made when using a device to cope with negative and painful feelings. Specific to my situation, there is the choice of the high road (tolerance, understanding, learning a lesson, overall acceptance) and a low road (bitterness, anger, mean-spiritedness, actions involving battery acid). Listening to the lyrics in Kelly’s songs has made me further ponder my desire to stick to a high road and resist the temptations of the low road. Trust me; it’s NOT an easy thing to do.

But I need to be strong. I have told myself that I want to look back at the relationship I had with …… with ….. what was her name again? ……. and maintain positive and pleasant thoughts. I don’t want to stoop to immature and childish behavior that accomplish nothing other than further preventing me from moving on with my life. I hate to admit it, but I have in certain ways already dipped my toes into that pool of ugliness.

I keep telling myself – and am consequentially reminded by my friends – that this is all a process. A grieving process. A process of dealing with loss and disappointment and pain. It is not anything I can or should ignore. It needs to be dealt with. It needs to hurt now in order for it to not hurt later. It needs to burn and settle in and resolve itself with time and patience.

And I know this time it has been different. I have been stronger. I have been resolved to move on and let go. I still want to maintain a sense of decency about all of this, yet I need to remind myself that a certain someone’s happiness is no longer my concern. To put it best, I draw from Kelly’s song ‘Gone’:

You know you did it
I’m gone
To find someone to live for in this world
There’s no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta’ burn

….oops! There go my toes again.

* Source: Wikipedia

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