untitled

I know it’s not everyday that I post more than one entry to my blog, but then again it’s not everyday that my personal world comes to an end. It’s also not everyday that I find myself on the phone talking to the woman of my dreams and her husband at the same time.  Nevertheless, that is where I found myself this afternoon.

I don’t need to recap the story of my situation.  I’ve written about it before.  I’ve also written and implied about how long and drawn out the situation had become.  Well, as of this afternoon, the situation is finally resolved.  I never thought it would end the way it did.  I never thought I would hear the words she told me.  I never really believed it would be over this way.  But it is.

It started with her husband, Ed, calling me.  Talk about a surreal experience.  The two of us talking about everything going on and what we individually thought was in her, Kim’s, best interest.  It was civil and cordial and everything you don’t expect out of that type of situation.  The end result of our conversation being a pact, that whatever Kim decided, we would both support it with the ‘unchosen’ party agreeing to walk away.  I was certain in my heart that I would not be the one walking away.

But there I found myself about a half hour later, on the phone with both Kim and Ed.  Ironically, Ed and I were both saying the same thing.  We were both asking Kim to be honest with herself and to make a choice, one way or the other.  Ed and I were both supportive, and you could just feel that Kim was an emotional wreck.  I imagined Kim taking a deep breath and telling Ed that as much as she loves him, she’s simply not in love with him and knows that she can’t be truly happy with him.  This was it.  This was the moment of truth.

As you can see, that’s not what happened.

So I sit here writing this entry.  Me.  The unchosen one.  And I ask myself why am I writing?  The answers to that question are rattling in my head like beans in a maraca.  Part of it is to capture my feelings about it all.  To document that nauseating feeling in my stomach.  Part of it is to hurt Kim.  To forever remind her of the choice she made.  But the real reason is to galvanize her decision and to allow me to honor the pact I made with Ed.  <Yes, I know this is all F’d up on SO many levels!>

But it’s time to move on.  To really move on.  I know I have written that before.  Kim and I have had so many ups and downs, ons and offs.  We always managed to reach out to each other.  To reset.  To start over.  But this is different.  It has to be.  How can I ever take back the woman who told me plain and simple that she wants to be with her husband because she is in love with him, and because she knows she can be happy with him?  How can I be with someone who when given the chance to stand up for herself and proclaim her love for me, did not?

Part of me still doesn’t believe it.  Doesn’t believe her.  Maybe this is what she meant when she said that doing the right thing can be the wrong thing to do.  But it doesn’t matter now.  It’s done.  It is what it is, and I told Ed I would set her free and walk away.  And this entry is the first step of me doing just that.

Kim, you know I will always love you.  You know I will always be in love with you in my heart.  I do not think I was wrong and I still believe you are my true love.  I just believe that we missed it this time around.  Maybe in our next lifetime.

Ed, like we discussed, this was never a competition.  This was never about winning or losing.  Hold on to her tight and never let her go.  Love her with all that you’ve got and then love her some more.  Make her happy, now and forever.  That’s all I ever wanted for her, and I wish the two of you nothing but the best.

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