Raw

A while ago now, Alex and I took our daughter to a counselor so that she could discuss her feelings about us splitting up.  For the record, I am very skeptical of the whole counseling thing, even though I have gone to counseling myself.  But I have to admit the sessions for Natalie were very helpful, both for her and for me.

One of the things that came up in the course of discussion was how I am very raw emotionally.  I am rarely in the ‘middle ground’ when it comes to my emotional state.  According to Alex, I am either on cloud nine or in the dumps.  Although my first impulse was to question why Alex was talking about me when we were there for Natalie, there is some truth to what she said.  I have been told on more than one occasion that I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Both personally and professionally, more often then not people will know where I stand on a given issue or topic.

What’s tricky is that it can be so good and at the same time so bad.  This blog is the best possible example of that.  I am writing right now because I just need to vent.  I am furious.  I am beside myself.  If I didn’t have an outlet for my emotions and frustrations, I would probably vomit blood every morning.  I love breakfast food, but I can’t eat in the morning because I wake up with my stomach in knots.  If I didn’t write, and consequently have the support of you, my friends, I wouldn’t even get up in the morning.

But the flip side is that in doing so I have made myself so vulnerable to just about everyone and everything.  It’s forced me to trust implicitly that no one out there will use what I write to hurt me or come after me.  This, in turn, has forced me to consider long and hard about my actions, and the potential consequences of those actions.  I’ll keep you posted on how that little life lesson turns out <wink>.

You all know my situation.  You all know my story.  What you don’t know is that I have 2 friends in similar circumstances.  I guess there is truth to the whole ‘misery loves company’ thing.  The biggest difference, however, is that in the case of both my friends, their ‘reason’ is far, far away.  If my ‘reason’ where in the Midwest as opposed to Seffner, I think all of this would be a little easier to deal with.  But she might as well be in Alaska because of the deliberate distance she keeps.  However, I can’t blame her.  You can’t move on until you force yourself to let go, and maybe this is her way of having an emotional change of scenery.

The problem with wearing your heart on your sleeve is that it tends to get smudgy at times.  You press on and press on, being yourself and speaking your mind.  The sad truth is that it doesn’t really matter if you’re Mr. Outspoken or the introvert in the back of the room, life is going to happen regardless.  To quote Billy Joel, “…I found that just surviving was a noble fight.  I once believed in causes, too.  I had my pointless point of view, but life went on no matter who was wrong or right.”

And that’s how I am feeling today.  Pointless. All of this…… all of the caring and the fighting and the logical argumentation.  All of the words and talks about commitment and standing up and resolution and absolute certainty.  It’s all pointless.  The thing I noticed is that just when you think you’ve turned the corner, you realize that you’re really just going around in circles.

Sneakie……thanks for listening and for being there.  You’ve been there for me from the start, and I appreciate every conversation and all your words of wisdom.  You are my Yoda.