Beat Down

One of my favorite shows is not a drama or situation comedy.  It’s definitely not one of those crappy ‘reality’ shows either.  My favorite show, believe it or not, is a sports-talk show on ESPN called Pardon the Interruption.  It’s different from any sports show you’ve ever watched, and the rapport and chemistry the two hosts display is something that can only be found after years and years of professional collaboration and mutual friendship.

Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon are brilliant, IMHO, and they always manage to deliver both sides of the argument, no matter how lame one side may be.  The reason I mention all of this is that one of my favorite Wilbon phrases is “beat down.”  When referring to unruly fans in the stands or teammates that are just major distractions to their teams, Michael usually turns and says, “You know what this guy needs, Tony?  A beat down!” Hey, what else do you expect from a guy from Chicago.

Apparently beat downs are common all over this great land of ours, and that includes southern Alabama. And boy did I get a beat down tonight.  Suffice it to say I deserve every ounce of it.  It was not a physical beat down (I would much have preferred that it were).  Instead, it was a mental and emotional trip behind the woodshed.  It was an ass kicking full of pent up anger, devastation, disbelief and, oh yeah, just a touch of southern hospitality.  And once again, it was well deserved.

I had a posting up here last night entitled “The Great Debate”.  I wrote it thinking that I could help explain myself better to someone I had hurt.  Boy was I wrong.  Instead it spawned the aforementioned beat down I got from this person.  And again, I deserved it all.

There is a lot of truth to the phrase, “The path to hell is paved with good intentions.”  There is even more truth to the phrase, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”   I think it’s wholly appropriate that the worst hurricane in recorded history carried a female name.  But Katrina’s wrath and fury was shadowed by the devastation of the aftermath.  It was not the storm itself, but rather the aftereffects of the storms power.  The ripples caused by Mother Nature’s proverbial stone toss in the water.  And I look back at these last 13 months and see nothing but a sea of devastation and heartache and anger and contempt and major disappointment.  In retrospect, I deserve a lot worse than what I got tonight.

And it doesn’t matter that the intentions were never malicious or deliberate.  It doesn’t matter that at the time I could not foresee the turn of events that would lead me here.  It doesn’t matter that there was genuine sincerity on my part.  What matters is the end result.  What matters are the eventual and real consequences of my actions.  What matters is that no matter how I try to spin it, I am at fault, I am responsible and I am an asshole of titanic magnitude.  And as I look back now I see the pattern of selfishness and stubbornness that has strewn lots of laughs but significantly more tears.

So I wrap up this entry with the only thing left that I can do.  Apologize.  And yes, I am sure this is more to make myself feel better, and I am sure it will be received with “Yeah, whatever!” contempt by its intended recipients.  But after the beat down I took this evening, and I’m telling you it was a kick to the heart and the soul, I don’t have anything more to give.  I feel utterly defeated and wondering if I even want to pick myself up off the mat after this.  So……..

To Alex, I am so very sorry.

To Susie, I am so very sorry.

To Laurie, I am so very sorry.

To Michelle, I am so very sorry.

To Lee………..Words cannot even begin to describe how sorry I am for hurting you.

To everyone else, I am sorry that I have used this forum for airing out my dirty laundry and making you a part of my soap opera life.  I don’t see myself making anymore posts after this.  I don’t see myself doing much of anything after this, except licking my wounds and knowing that I not only deserve what I am feeling, but so much more.

….goodbye, everyone.

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