My kids have a fascination with the Star Wars saga. More specifically, Episode II. My son, Daniel, pretty much likes all of the movies. I think Natalie likes Episode II the most because it deals primarily with the love story between Anakin Skywalker and Padme’ Amidala. As a 5 year-old girl, it’s scary to think she’s all about the romantic plot lines. Ironically, Episode II is my least favorite of the six films precisely because it was too mushy and romantic. Give me more of the light saber wielding Yoda!!!
As you all know, Episode III reveals how Anakin goes on to become Darth Vader. (If you didn’t know this, all I can say is ‘What rock have YOU been living under?’) If you really look at the story, Anakin turns to the dark side not because he was inherently evil, but rather because he was, when you break it down, a hopeless romantic with anger management issues. His intentions, no matter how disastrous the results, where good, and the summary of the situation raises many interesting questions.
Primarily, is it OK to pursue love no matter what the cost? To follow your heart and do everything in your power to realize a dream? I know I have written about this before, and I know, as has been pointed out to me on several occasions, that I appear to have waffled on my answer. I have written before that I needed to learn to let go of the situation, and of all the associated pain, that got me to where I am today. I have written that I need to live my life independent of a dream that is beyond the scope of my control to achieve. I have written time and time again that I need to say goodbye to the idea of perfection.
I have written these things in the hopes of convincing myself that I could. In a desperate effort to not hurt anymore. In a vain attempt to “move on”. And in doing so, I fostered new relationships and shared new experiences. I have lived a life that some would say is very enviable. I have danced the night away, drank the night away and … well …. done other things all night long, too. From boats to bars, beds to backseats, I have had a very good time ‘getting over’ my situation.
But the very interesting thing is that I haven’t gotten over anything at all, and in the deepest parts of my heart, I know I have not wanted to. The moments I mentioned earlier have been great. They have been wonderful. They have even been amazing. But they have not been perfect. They have not been complete, and I see now they never could be. Those moments, as the new relationships that helped create them, could never measure up to the memories and experiences of the past. And although they came close at times, they always seemed to fall short of the bar that is forever defined in my heart. No matter how much you try to argue it, 99.999% is not, nor will it ever be, 100%.
So is it wrong for me to still want 100%? Is it wrong of me to hold on to the idea of perfection? Am I a blind fool, lost in my own fantasy? Am I destined to carry the burden of what once was for the rest of my life? Maybe….
But I owe it to myself to fight until the very end. I owe it to myself to chase that dream, that desire, that perfect love with all that I have. And I do so without apology or obligation to anyone with the exception of myself. I do so knowing that I was forthright from the onset, and that what some may consider merely a distraction was, in the boundaries of its own circumstances, real and rewarding and life altering.
I am in the midst of living two lives in parallel with each other. It is Ying, waiting, wanting, hoping, and living in a not-so-peaceful coexistence with Yang beset on partying, exploring and growing like never before. I find myself grateful of the many new experiences I have lived, yet still aching for the one experience that got away. Or did it?
Life is funny. Life is difficult. Life is confusing and scary and full of uncertainties. But most importantly, life is short, and I have to make the most of the situations fate and dumb luck throw my way. Yes, love can make us act irrationally, but would we really want it to be any other way?