I found myself lying there, having that conversation I did not want to have. Sitting, listening, waiting for this uncomfortable moment to end. To pass. To just go away.
How did this happen? How is it that I try to reinvent myself and yet I end up at the same place. “Do you have any idea how you made me feel?” she says to me. Different voice, different face, same story. Same, old, tiresome story.
Is it me? Am I just destined to be the nice guy façade with the asshole interior? I lie there, staring blankly into nothing, fighting off the drowsiness but wanting nothing more than to fall asleep. To escape into sleep.
And so I close my eyes and fall. Like a nose dive on Jupiter, fall into deep sleep. Only to have my subconscious awaken by thoughts, memories, mistakes and fears that come to life in my dreams.
“Do you know how you make me feel? Do you have any idea? You don’t because all you care about is yourself. All you want to do is go out with your friends, have a good time and forget about me. Forget about us!” The faces change but the song remains the same.
And in this dream that is quickly spiraling into a nightmare I try to run. I’m good at that, I guess. Turn, run, escape. Just leave and the get the hell out.
Hood-slid’n like Bo Duke on the slippery surface that is my subconscious. My psyche. This ever changing, completely randomized minefield that doubles as a dance floor. Just go, go go. Just make the voices stop because I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t need to deal with it. Just turn and go. Go.
And there she is. That familiar face. The hesitant smile that allows me to breathe. The tender look that makes me stop running and makes the voices stop yelling. The look that makes everything better. The woman of my dreams … in my dreams. There she is reaching out to me, smiling because she knows she is about to save me. About to save this dream that I thought was lost.
I can’t move fast enough and everything slows down. I reach out my hand. Save me!…..
The alarm goes off like nuclear bomb, vaporizing the moment and destroying my new found comfort. Another ‘to be continued’ dream, or so I hope. Or is it just another reminder that no matter how close you get, that perfect dream is still just out of reach?