Loss

Today has been a very strange day for me.  It’s been one that has been filled with pensiveness, emotion and blinding confusion.

Let me begin by saying that I recognize, appreciate and thank God that I have two beautiful and healthy children, I have my health, and I have a support structure that is undeniable.  It seems that any direction in which I reach out, there is someone there who is more than willing to listen, empathize and help.  I am very, very fortunate and I thank you all for being wonderful and patient with me.

That being said, I can’t help feel an overwhelming sense of loss.  That’s because I lost someone very close to me.  Not to death, but to circumstances, fear and ….. just life.  In the past nine months, I have lost my father and my maternal grandmother.   And although the death of my dad was extraordinarily taxing on my spirit, the graveness of his health made the situation easier to accept.

This is different.  This, to me, seems more profound than I ever imagined it could be.  It’s overwhelming and suffocating at times.  I wake up some mornings overcome by grief, sobbing uncontrollably because I failed to realize the one dream I pursued so relentlessly.  I put it all on the line, over and over again, only to fall just short with each attempt. And now I am in that no-man’s land of getting from the turning point to the next place in my life.  I am stuck in this mental hell that is ‘getting through it’.

But I have no regrets.  I honestly don’t.  Like the Garth Brooks song The Dance, “…I could have missed the pain / But I’d of had to miss the dance.”  (Actually, ALL the lyrics of that song are applicable).   The problem is that the memories of my friend are so intoxicating and so moving and so completing to my soul, that I feel the pains of withdrawal by not being with …… her.

And there is no Betty Ford Center for the heart.  There is no detox of the soul, unless of course you consider the plethora of vices available to us all.  And apparently the pursuit of these vices is a very, very easy thing to do.  I fill my days with distractions, busy work and more distractions, but a large piece of my heart will forever be empty.  And I am scared that I will either always have that painful void in my chest, or I will learn to live with a smaller heart.  Which is worse?  I really don’t know.

I took my kids to dinner at Bennigan’s tonight.  I got around to talking to the waitress, a cute, blonde college student majoring in English.  OK, we weren’t so much talking as I was flirting with her (and since we’re sharing, let’s just say she is a distraction I wouldn’t mind having…..but I digress).  She told me her ambition is to one day be a screenwriter (at which point I officially fell in love with her).  But it got me to thinking of how great it would be to be young again.  To have nothing but an open road ahead of you in life.  On, giant do-over.  But………..

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn’t I a king
But if I’d only known how the king would fall
Hey who’s to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance –  I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance

No regrets.

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