Emptiness can be such a heavy thing. The idea of not being able to have what you want or talk to someone you want to talk with can really weigh you down. So much so that everything else which normally is of importance becomes insignificant.
Death does that, I guess. It amplifies the silence of emptiness. It rings in your head like a bell, louder and louder until you don’t hear a thing but total and sheer silence. Is this what it’s like to be alone? Nothing but the constant sound of silence?
I really miss my dad. I miss being able to talk to him. I miss picking his brain for advice on how best to fix something at home. I miss calling him in the middle of a soccer game and asking him if he saw that goal. I miss talking to him as the friend he had become to me as I grew up. And if ever I needed his advice it’s now.
The funny thing about being dazed and confused, about not knowing if you are coming or going, is that after it’s all said and done in any particular day, you haven’t moved an inch. You fill your workday with task lists and e-mails. You occupy your week with dinner meetings and DVD’s. You plan your months around weekend getaways and the children’s recital. And after all of the noise and all of the static and all of the distraction, you haven’t even budged.
And the hardest thing to accept is that you can’t fix the problem. You can’t take matters into your hands and produce a resolution. There is no solution. There is no answer other than acceptance. This is the way things are. This is the ways things are going to be. There is no going back, except in the recollections of my mind, to a place that was quieter and more peaceful and enjoyable. To a place where the silence wasn’t so deafening.
I miss my dad. I miss my friend. I miss the direction in life he provided, and it’s no coincidence that I have felt so lost since he passed away. It’s like trying to navigate a course through life and not being able to see the stars, because what once shone so brightly seems to have simply faded away. I look up and see nothing but grey. I look inside myself and see nothing but grey. I look around me and see nothing but a heavy, suffocating, hazy shade of grey.
How comforting it would be to have something right now be simply black or white.